Over the past few days, I have done some research and some soul seaching and have been able to answer some very important questions. In order to save you the time and effort of coming to these answers yourself, I thought I'd share:
1. PETSMART - Is it pronounced Pets Mart, or Pet Smart? The same question was posed by Larry the Cable Guy in his stand up routine when he asked if the school his friend's kid went to was Hank Williams Junior High School or Hank Williams Jr. High School. Jessica and I have posed the question to ourselves a few times in jest. Well, we went to PETSMART Friday before going to see the Harry Potter movie. We got our dog some treats and a new collar. While checking out, I was overwhelmed with the urge o pose the question to the cashier, "So, is it Pets Mart, or Pet Smart?" I was totally being silly and joking around by posing this question. Little did I know that I was going to get an answer. The girl said, "I'm pretty sure that it's Pet Smart." She turned to her manager and asked, "Didn't it just change or something?" and the Manager replied, "Yes. It was Pets Mart, but it is now Pet Smart. They change the 's' from lower to upper case." So, there you go. The answer to that age old question.
2. Farts are not to be used as fore play (This could also be called "Why Eric should not drink wine while gassy) - During my extremely gay TV night of watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy (I justify the last two shows because of the hot women in the cast, but I have no excuse for Home Edition) I was drinking some wine. I had a frustrating day with the kids and the wine was helping me relax a bit. The thought of having sexual relations crossed my mind, which happens alot when I drink. Well, I was taking Gabriel up to bed and Jessica came in the room. I felt some pressure in the back side area, so I (drunkenly, remember) pointed and fired. The result, one of those multi tonal, HI-larious farts that make everyone in the room laugh like crazy. I laughed like crazy, Gabriel laughed like crazy, Jessica, alas, did NOT laugh like crazy. The exact quote was, "Well, YOU aren't getting any tonight." DAMN! Well, I was mad because 1. no sex and 2. it was so fucking funny that I did not understand the problem. Anyway, this answers the question I posed long ago about whether or not farts are OK during sex. Apparently, they are not even OK hours before sex.
3. Buckeye Bowling - Looks like they will probably go to the Orange Bowl or Fiesta Bowl. Their Likely opponent, Notre Dame. Looks like I may get my wish. We'll find out for sure this weekend.
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3 comments:
You're hilarious, eric. I love that piece of advice - don't drink wine while gassy.
Farts are works of art, really. There are so many kinds of farts with varying smells, sounds and overall feel. And it's a life-long effort to continuously work at being the best you can be at being an eloquent and meaningful farter. My family has always valued the art of farting. I feel so blessed to have had these important family values instilled within me.
I don't fart. If I did they would smell like roses.
That said, let's turn to the pressing issue of wanting the Irish. Now, I've heard a lot in the media and elsewhere about how people want the Irish because they hate them and would love to bring them down and prove that OSU deserves to be ranked higher. This general theory was supported By Eric's 11-14 comments about the Irish being nearly as reprehensible as M*ich*i*gan and his 11-7 comments about wanting the Irish.
However, I would like to give a voice to a small faction of people who also want the Irish for different reasons. All Catholic Ohioans (for whom it is sacrilegious to hate ND) want the Irish, too, but this is because it is a no lose situation. Although we will certainly be cheering for the Buckeyes, we will admittedly be gratified by every good play by ND. All wives of Catholic Ohioans out there will have a day of peace and harmony in their homes, as their husbands cannot become totally pissed off at the final outcome of the game. This is why I want the Irish.
Ann, I bet your poo tastes like chocolate cake too...?
Well, for whatever reason you may want to see OSU play the Irish, it looks like we may have our wish. All of the media I've been watching seems to indicate that the Bucks will meet the shalaylee weilding (did I spell shalaylee right?) Irish. It should be a great game. Thanks for the comment Ann!
Mona, I knew there was something that I liked about your family. The fart in question was one of those high pitched multi-tonal comedy farts that are in goofy movies. You would have been proud.
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